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FREE online courses on the Art Of Effective Time Management - Assertiveness Training - STEP TWO

 

Figure out appropriate ways of asserting yourself in each specific situation that concerns you.

 

There are many ways to devise effective, tactful, fair assertive responses. Watch a good model. Discuss the problem situation with a friend, a parent, a supervisor, a counselor or other person. Carefully note how others respond to situations similar to yours and consider if they are being unassertive, assertive or aggressive. Most assertiveness trainers recommend that an effective assertive response contain several parts:

 

Describe (to the other person involved) the troublesome situation as you see it. Be very specific about time and actions, don't make general accusations like "you're always hostile...upset...busy." Be objective, don't suggest the other person is a total jerk. Focus on his/her behavior, not on his/her apparent motives.

Describe your feelings, using an "I" statement which shows you take responsibility for your feelings. Be firm and strong, look at them, be sure of yourself, don't get emotional. Focus on positive feelings related to your goals if you can, not on your resentment of the other person. Sometimes it is helpful to explain why you feel as you do, so your statement becomes "I feel ______ because ______." 

Describe the changes you'd like made, be specific about what action should stop and what should start. Be sure the requested changes are reasonable, consider the other person's needs too, and be willing to make changes yourself in return. In some cases, you may already have explicit consequences in mind if the other person makes the desired changes and if he/she doesn't. If so, these should be clearly described too. Don't make dire threats, if you can't or won't carry out them out.

 

Example assertiveness responses:

 

Situation:

Your wife or girlfriend comes home from work and talks during dinner about office politics and rivalry.

Response:

"Every night this week we have spent the dinner hour talking about the personality conflicts at your office. I'm glad we can talk, but I get fed up with the pettiness, as I see it, of the people you work with. I miss talking about the news, my work, our new house plans, and how we are getting along."

Poor responses:

An unassertive person would suppress his anger and say nothing or pretend to be really interested. An aggressive person would blow his top, calling his wife's co-workers names and telling her how boring and petty she is.

 

 

Situation:

Your husband or boyfriend looks (excessively) at attractive women.

Response:

"You used to be subtle about it, but lately you ogle every well built woman you see. I feel irritated that you aren't more concerned about my feelings. I really feel hurt. If you would change, I'd feel a lot better and I think it will increase our trust and closeness with each other." This response was suggested by a perceptive reader who also suggested another good response:

"I feel inadequate when I notice you looking excessively at other women. Therefore, in the future, I would appreciate it if you would ogle me instead."

Poor responses:

Pretending not to notice his looking and continue hurting in silence or turning off sexually or starting to flirt (in anticipation of his having an affair). Of course, the aggressive reaction would be to call him a self-centered sex maniac and to refuse to have sex for several days.

 

 

Situation:

A friend repeatedly makes plans with you and then cancels at the last minute.

Response:

"When we make plans and you change your mind at the last minute--you've done that two out of the last three times, I feel frustrated because it's too late to make plans with someone else. Besides, I start to think that you don't really want to be with me if you can find anything else to do. In the future, I'd like for you to tell me at least an hour in advance if you have to change plans. Would you do that?"

Poor responses:

Let it go, fearing the friend will get mad. Or: tell the friend how inconsiderate she is and that it is amazing she has any friends at all.

 

 

Situation:

You have just been introduced to someone, but you did not learn his/her name.

Response:

As soon as appropriate, ask, "What is your name again?" Use it the first chance you get, so you won't forget it again.

Poor responses:

Let it go and try to avoid situations where you need to use his/her name. An aggressive response would be to blame him/her, "You don't speak up very well, what's your name again?"

 

Following these guidelines, write out in rough form some ways of responding in your problem situations.

 

 

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