FREE online courses on the Art Of Effective Time Management - Assertiveness
Training - STEP TWO
Figure out appropriate ways of
asserting yourself in each specific situation that concerns you.
There are many ways to devise
effective, tactful, fair assertive responses. Watch a good model. Discuss the
problem situation with a friend, a parent, a supervisor, a counselor or other
person. Carefully note how others respond to situations similar to yours and
consider if they are being unassertive, assertive or aggressive. Most
assertiveness trainers recommend that an effective assertive response contain
several parts:
Describe (to the other person
involved) the troublesome situation as you see it. Be very specific about time
and actions, don't make general accusations like "you're always
hostile...upset...busy." Be objective, don't suggest the other person is a total
jerk. Focus on his/her behavior, not on his/her apparent motives.
Describe your feelings, using an
"I" statement which shows you take responsibility for your feelings. Be firm and
strong, look at them, be sure of yourself, don't get emotional. Focus on
positive feelings related to your goals if you can, not on your resentment of
the other person. Sometimes it is helpful to explain why you feel as you do, so
your statement becomes "I feel ______ because ______."
Describe the changes you'd like
made, be specific about what action should stop and what should start. Be sure
the requested changes are reasonable, consider the other person's needs too, and
be willing to make changes yourself in return. In some cases, you may already
have explicit consequences in mind if the other person makes the desired changes
and if he/she doesn't. If so, these should be clearly described too. Don't make
dire threats, if you can't or won't carry out them out.
Example assertiveness responses:
Situation:
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Your wife or girlfriend comes
home from work and talks during dinner about office politics and rivalry.
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Response:
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"Every night this week we have
spent the dinner hour talking about the personality conflicts at your office.
I'm glad we can talk, but I get fed up with the pettiness, as I see it, of the
people you work with. I miss talking about the news, my work, our new house
plans, and how we are getting along."
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Poor responses:
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An unassertive person would
suppress his anger and say nothing or pretend to be really interested. An
aggressive person would blow his top, calling his wife's co-workers names and
telling her how boring and petty she is.
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Situation:
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Your husband or boyfriend looks
(excessively) at attractive women.
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Response:
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"You used to be subtle about it,
but lately you ogle every well built woman you see. I feel irritated that you
aren't more concerned about my feelings. I really feel hurt. If you would
change, I'd feel a lot better and I think it will increase our trust and
closeness with each other." This response was suggested by a perceptive reader
who also suggested another good response:
"I feel inadequate when I notice
you looking excessively at other women. Therefore, in the future, I would
appreciate it if you would ogle me instead."
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Poor responses:
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Pretending not to notice his
looking and continue hurting in silence or turning off sexually or starting to
flirt (in anticipation of his having an affair). Of course, the aggressive
reaction would be to call him a self-centered sex maniac and to refuse to have
sex for several days.
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Situation:
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A friend repeatedly makes plans
with you and then cancels at the last minute.
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Response:
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"When we make plans and you
change your mind at the last minute--you've done that two out of the last
three times, I feel frustrated because it's too late to make plans with
someone else. Besides, I start to think that you don't really want to be with
me if you can find anything else to do. In the future, I'd like for you to
tell me at least an hour in advance if you have to change plans. Would you do
that?"
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Poor responses:
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Let it go, fearing the friend
will get mad. Or: tell the friend how inconsiderate she is and that it is
amazing she has any friends at all.
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Situation:
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You have just been introduced to
someone, but you did not learn his/her name.
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Response:
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As soon as appropriate, ask,
"What is your name again?" Use it the first chance you get, so you won't
forget it again.
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Poor responses:
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Let it go and try to avoid
situations where you need to use his/her name. An aggressive response would be
to blame him/her, "You don't speak up very well, what's your name again?"
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Following these guidelines, write
out in rough form some ways of responding in your problem situations.