Level III
Skills
For most of us, sadness is associated with increased
isolation--we just don't feel like socializing--and with more anxiety when we do
interact. However, some depressed and socially insecure people become social
addicts, even sexual addiction is not unknown (Scarf, 1980). Since our
social-emotional reaction during a downer varies so greatly, obviously different
social skills are needed by different people. After assessing your social
strengths and weaknesses, use your assets and reduce your liabilities by gaining
new social skills. Which ones? Several are mentioned below.
In spite of massive social skills training research,
relatively little has been done in this area with depressed persons (except for
Peter Lewinsohn's work). Intuitively, social skills ought to certainly help with
loneliness, low self-regard, and boredom. Communication skills (e.g. "I"
statements and empathy responses), relationship contracts, greater tolerance,
and counseling should also help with relationship problems.
Social skills training improves your talents at meeting
people, conversing, telling stories, selecting a friend or partner, and having a
good time. Social skills don't come naturally to everybody; many of us have to
learn and practice good communication skills, often involving close observation
of others, role-playing, and other methods. Research has shown that having good
social support is beneficial if you are depressed and it helps prevent
depression in the future (Bennett & Bates, 1995). So, how do you get more social
support? By acquiring more social skills.
Depressed people may not talk much or talk too much about
their problems. Neither makes friends. After about 5 minutes, the self-put
downs, pessimism, dependency, and whiny helplessness of talkative depressed
people becomes unpleasant to most people. Yet, most depressed people long for
meaningful contact; therefore, they must learn to interact differently. So, give
the potential friend "equal time" and be an empathic listener during his/her
time. Let the friend know you are down but suggest doing some fun things
together too. Do things for others. A friend is different from a
therapist--he/she has to benefit from the interaction too. Practice making light
conversation; use your sense of humor.
Assertiveness training has had mixed success with depressives
(Biglan & Dow, 1981). The interpersonal skills should add to self-confidence and
encourage standing up for one's rights, instead of being submissive.
Assertiveness is not fighting, it includes disclosing and expressing emotions,
like personal needs and positive feelings, and should deepen relationships.
Don't prematurely over-disclose; don't become self-centered or pushy.
Empathy response training is quite effective in deepening and
improving relationships. Use empathy statements for helping someone else. Make
"I feel..." statements to help yourself express your problems and concerns to
another person who is, hopefully, a good empathizer.
Training in marital communication skills, fair fighting,
conflict resolution, and self-disclosure could greatly improve relationships.
Intimacy and closeness, i.e. continued sharing of personal history, opinions,
feelings, and dreams, could do wonders for one's attitude about life.
Decision-making and time management training may relieve
depression, if one has neglected and made poor decisions or mismanaged his/her
time. A series of mistakes can cause disappointment and a low self-concept.
