Look for unconscious payoffs
Conscious payoffs were discussed above, including using the
threat of anger to manipulate others. At the semi-conscious or unconscious
levels there are more hidden rewards, such as a boss blustering around implying
some people may be fired to build his/her own ego. Other examples: fighting to
avoid intimacy and dependency (see family conflicts section above), getting mad
to justify breaking up, building a resentment of another group or race to
justify discrimination, getting mad at parents about assigned chores to justify
"forgetting" to do them, etc.
A common "game" used by us as children involves making a
parent mad so that he/she feels guilty, then the parent will give us--as a "poor
little victim"--what we want. So your anger may be part of some one else's
scheme to manipulate you, i.e. another person is profiting from your loss of
emotional control. Another example: There is considerable sick satisfaction in
being able to drive someone else "up the wall." Kids do it but it isn't just a
kids' game.
Watch for guilt, self-hatred, self-defeating and
I-don't-deserve-it attitudes. Do you harshly blame yourself? Guilt can add to
the stress that creates anger towards others or which sets overly demanding
standards expected of ourselves or others. It is not uncommon for a formerly
poor person to feel they do not deserve the advantages and material gains that
come with success.
