FREE online courses on Handling Our Own Aggression & Anger - Level I Aggression control methods focusing on simple behavior - Stop hostile fantasies

 

Preoccupation with the irritating situation, including repeatedly talking about it, may only increase your anger.

 

Guard against escalating the violence. When we are mad, we frequently attempt an overkill, i.e. hurt the person who hurt us a lot more. There are two problems with retaliating excessively: the enemy is tempted to counterattack you even more vigorously and you will probably start thinking of the enemy even more negatively (in order to convince yourself that he/she deserved the severe punishment you gave him/her) which makes you want to aggress again. Thus, the saying, "violence breeds violence" is doubly true--violence produces more hate in your opponent and in you. Research has shown that controlled, moderate retaliation so that "things are equal" (in contrast to "teaching them a lesson") feels better in the long run than excessive retaliation. Better yet, walk away from the argument, let them have the last word.

 

Record the antecedents and consequences of your anger. As with all behaviors, you need to know:

(a)   the learning history of the behavior (angry reactions),

(b)   the antecedents or situations that "set you off,"

(c)   the nature and intensity of your anger,

(d)   your thoughts and views of the situation immediately before and during the anger,

(e)   what self-control methods did you use and how well did they work, and

(f)    the consequences (how others responded and other outcomes) following your emotional reaction.

 

 If this information is carefully and systematically recorded for a week or two, it could be enlightening and valuable. Examples: By becoming aware of the common but subtle triggers for your emotional reactions, you could avoid some future conflict situations. By noting your misinterpretations and false assumptions, you might straighten out your own anger-causing thoughts. By realizing the payoffs you are getting from your anger, you could clarify to yourself the purposes of your aggression and give up some of the unhealthy payoffs. Remember: "Aggression pays!" Perhaps you could gain the things and reactions you need from others in some other way.

 

Suppress or disrupt your aggressive responses, find a distraction, or use humor. The old adages of "count to 10" or "engage brain before starting mouth" are probably good ideas. Do whatever you can to stop your impulsive aggression, like hitting or yelling. Even a brief delay may permit you to think of a more constructive response. Actually the longer the delay the better, perhaps sleep on it or talk to a friend first. Research with children has confirmed Seneca's opinion that thinking about other things helps reduce our frustration and ire. Do something you enjoy, something that occupies your mind. Listen to music, take a bath, meditate, see a good comedy. Or use a little comedy, but it is hard to control the sarcasm.

 

Lady debater: Mr. Churchill, if I were your wife, I'd put arsenic in your tea!

Winston Churchill: Lady, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

 

Abraham Lincoln to a large lady visitor who accidentally sat on and crushed his favorite top hat: If you'd just asked me lady, I could have told you it wouldn't fit.

 

The best thing, sometimes, to do about anger is nothing, including thinking nothing about the incident. The irritating event is frequently unimportant; its memory may soon fade away; if you stay quiet, the relationship stays civil and respectful.

 

When it comes to anger, you are sometimes damned if you do express it and damned if you don't. Swallowing anger may be unwise. Some theorists say that self-instructions to suppress anger for a long period of time may be risky, because it lowers our self-esteem, increases our sense of powerlessness, and increases health risks. Other theorists point to a phenomenon called "laughter in church," i.e. holding back the expression of an emotion--a laugh--may strengthen the feeling. Watch for these problems if you are holding back your feelings. If you have suppressed the emotional outburst but the anger still rages inside, you may need to vent the anger privately.