FREE online courses on Handling Our Own Aggression & Anger - Level I Aggression control methods focusing on simple behavior - Stop using your temper to get your way

 

i.e. extinguish your aggression. Several years ago, Gerald Patterson suggested that the aggressor and the victim could both be reinforced by the other. If the aggressor gets what he/she wants by making demands, threatening, yelling, calling people names, being nasty, etc., this hostile behavior is positively reinforced. But the victim who submits or gives in to these demands is also reinforced! He/she escapes the stress and stops the aggression (negative reinforcement) by letting the aggressor have his/her way. In this way, perhaps dominant-submissive or abusive relationships are maintained for long periods.

 

As the payoffs for your angry feelings and behavior become clear to you, try to eliminate the rewards. Example: if your anger intimidates someone into giving you your way, enter an agreement with them that they will no longer make concessions following your hostile responses. If you feel stronger, "more of a man (or stronger woman)" after being nasty, tell yourself that such a reaction is foolish, that anger is a sign of weakness not of strength, that being understanding shows more intelligence and is admired by others more than aggressiveness. Most importantly, ask the other person to help you avoid aggression by refusing to reinforce it; instead, you should be rewarded for having more pleasant interactions with them.