FREE online courses on Handling Our Own Aggression & Anger - Level III
Skills involved in avoiding or reducing anger - Hold back your anger
Act like a mature, responsible adult. Like the debate about
catharsis, therapists disagree about the best way to handle anger towards a
loved one. Anger is the greatest destroyer of marriages. Thus, instead of
"fighting," as just suggested, they recommend that you (a) admit your anger, (b)
moderate or control it, and (c) ask your partner for help in figuring out what
two committed, caring people can do about the situation. Then work out an
agreement. This is not a total suppression of anger, i.e. the conflict is
resolved, but the intense emotions are never expressed as they are in fair
fighting.
"I" statements express anger constructively. There is great
skill in knowing when, where, and how to resolve conflicts. Here are some steps
to consider when planning how to handle a situation that upsets you:
Have we chosen a time and place where both of us feel free to
discuss our problems? If the other person brings up the problem at a bad time,
tell him/her that you are also eager to resolve the problem and suggest a better
time or place.
Have I tried to find out how the other person sees and feels
about the conflict? Ask questions to get his/her point of view. Give empathy
responses. Don't counter-attack. Put yourself in his/her shoes. Understanding
will replace anger.
Have I asked the other person to listen to my point of view?
Be specific and accurate (no self-serving exaggerations) about what was said and
done, explaining why you are upset. You should talk about your feelings (you
are the expert here). But, do not blame, "analyze," or
"psychologize" about the other person's motives, feelings, or negative traits
(you are not the expert here). Tactfulness and respect
are important, so clearly communicate your needs and preferences but not your
rage and resentment. There are ways of constructively communicating your
unhappiness without going into an accusatory tirade. For example, an important
skill is "I" statements. These "I feel _____ when ___(not: when you are a
SOB)____" statements not only tactfully ask for changes but they also convey
that you are assuming responsibility for your own feelings, not blaming others
for how you feel.
Have I made it clear to the other person exactly what I want
done differently? (Making it clear that you are willing to change too.)
Have I asked the other person to tell me exactly what he/she
would like me to do differently? (Without implying you will do whatever he/she
wants.)
Have the two of us agreed on a mutually acceptable solution
to our difficulty? Am I sure he/she knows exactly what I have in mind? Do I know
exactly what he/she thinks the plan is? (Better put the agreement in writing.)
Have we planned to check with each other, after a given time,
to make sure our compromise is working out?
Have I shown my appreciation for the positive changes the
other person has carried out?
