FREE online courses on Handling Our Own Aggression & Anger - Level III Skills involved in avoiding or reducing anger - Learn to fight fairly

 

When you find our someone has been lying to you, you may feel like yelling at them or even hitting them. That isn't very smart. A reasonable solution is unlikely to come out of a big nasty verbal or physical fight. So, chill out. Some therapists recommend fighting "fairly." To fight fairly, first of all, you need to know why you are mad. For example, if you are over-reacting because you have had a bad day or because you are displacing anger from another person, that isn't fair. Then you and the other person (who lied) need to talk about how to fix the situation; you can even cry and shout about how upset or hurt you are, but no name-calling, no nasty put downs, no terrible threats, etc. Find out his/her viewpoint; get the facts. Stick with the current problem, don't dig up old grudges. Finally, state your views, hurts, fears, and preferences clearly; arrive at an "understanding," if possible, and an acceptable arrangement for the future.

 

Some therapists believe that frustrations especially in an intimate relationship are better expressed--fully and dramatically-than suppressed. Yet, few relationships could survive frequent, uncontrolled, all-out expressions of raw, negative, permanently hurtful emotions. So, there are guidelines for verbally fighting in such a way that the couple can vent their feelings, resolve their conflicts, and continue liking each other.